Underworld Rise of the Lycans

I'm not the guy who sits there going, 'this blows' and proceeds to watch it. I'm the guy who starts to watch a movie he doesn't like, finishes, but finds a more productive task to take up his time like Michael Biehn in the Abyss, just cut lines in my arm to realize the stress of what I'm seeing. This movie was hard to watch for several reasons and I'll be fair about them.

Let's start with the plot, because I can forgive a movie if the story is cool. It's not. Its maddening, its like someone took: "That Medieval Movie" mad-lib and filled in the blanks with Werewolves and Vampires. I like werewolves, they're my favorite monster, but when they're just retarded gibbering poorly CG dog people I'm going to look away. The plot follows a lycan, who is special because the Vampire Lord doesn't kill him at birth, because he too is retarded, that is enslaved like his fellows. He is a blacksmith, so they give the most dangerous and intelligent of the lycans access to the weaponry of the Kingdom. He's also really good with them. Anyway on the DL he's having weird cliff sex with the Vampire Lord's daughter, because he's trying to get back at daddy or she's in love with him, I couldn't tell. She just made weird husky faces and killed things. As you could guess the lycan's rise up! Rise up from the shackles of slavery and fight the vampires. And a lot of people know my tolerance level for vampires.

Blade exampling that there can be only one Day Walker. And he has guns/swords.

So what else is wrong with the movie, you might be asking yourself. I'll tell you, reader. The fight scenes. I know, I know you might be saying, "Well, Mr. Big Shot I have a blog with like three posts, how can a fight scene be done wrongly? Just have people punch each other." I would say to you the, reader, compare this:

                            

To this:

                          

 I'll give you a hint: THE FIRST ONE HAS NO WEREWOLVES! Listen, I know it might cost money to make a costume or one of those crappy CG werewolves to have fight a vampire but you know what, I don't care, you made thousands of those other guys CG werewolves why not the most important one? He fights this dude with swords, in a weakened state of just being a dude. That's just a dude fighting with a vampire. If he doesn't take pride in what he is, if he doesn't change, if he doesn't throw that Vampire Lord's head through a wall with a fist full of claws, you're going to lose me. Because, in truth, Kingdom of Heaven had better sword fights in a Medieval movie, I didn't rent this to see poorly done fights, I didn't rent it to see terrible CG blurs crash into dudes wearing battle armor they bought from Hot Topic. Maybe I'm being to harsh, but you know I'm giving all these movies a fair chance to be entertaining which is their purpose. 

Underworld Rise of the Lycans does disappoint. So, I leave you with this image and one piece of advise: Go watch Blade II, its the better vampire movie.

  

 "WHAT? WERE YOU EXPECTING ME TO SPARKLE?"